Thursday, January 29, 2004

Blue Like Jazz part 2

In both books Don talks a lot about identity and doubt. I read his writing and I feel like I am looking into a mirror. Don talks a great deal about being raised in the Church, being a youth group and college age group leader, and still feeling like he did not know God. I have been there sometimes I think I'm there now. In my attempts to follow God I feel like I'm blind. I wonder if whether my beliefs and faith really make a difference in my life. If they are real beliefs then they should make a difference. But I wonder.

Yesterday I came home from the office and I was a real ass. My primary responsibility now is watching the budget and getting it in line. We are in debt to the denomination because the people responsible for the budget have not watched our spending the last year. Costs increase + donations go down + expenses go up = we are screwed. So much of the last week has had me being in pure business mindset. I don't like myself much when I get this way. I'm direct. Probably too direct. I end up in a situation where I want the facts and only the facts. When that gets done I'll tell you the facts. I was in the tell you the facts mindset when I got home. I did not listen first!! There were a few things in the house that bugged me because they were not put away and I got very direct with my wife. I was truly an ass. I know she forgave me and God forgives I just don't like myself sometimes. I just hope I can learn to do the business related things without becoming an ass all the time.

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