Saturday, January 31, 2004

Blue Like Jazz part 3

I finnished the book this evening. If you are reading this I highly recomend Blue Like Jazz. In his last chapters he talks about three important things. How to Love others, How to Love Self, and Jesus. I am blown away by one thought. H did not Love himself and He had not allowed himself to be loved. His girlfriend had just broken up with him as a result. He writes:

"I was scrubbing the toilet when the voices began. I'd listened to them so often before, but on this day they were shouting. They were telling me that I was as disgusting as the urine on the wall around the toilet. And then the sentiment occurred. I am certain it was the voice of God because it was accompanied by such a strong epiphany like a movement in a symphony or something. The sentiment was simple:Love your neighboor as yourself.
(after a question "is God telling me I'm gay")
God was not telling me I was gay. He was saying I would never talk to my neighboor the way I talked to myself, and that somehow I had come to believe it was wrong to kick other people around but it was okay to do it to myself...So, I stopped hating myself. It no longer felt right."

Sometimes I wonder why my wife loves me. I mean I don't deserve it. I can be a real ass at times. Worse yet is that I hate that part about me and I will dwell of for days. It still bugs me that I can be such an ass and say such hurtful things. I think though I am starting to really believe that people actually love me. If people really love me then maybe I can believe (I know it but don't always believe) that God loves me. Maybe I can learn to not hate myself or parts of me. Tolani is teaching me that I am loved for who I am, the real me even in my assness. What a thought.

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