Sunday, January 25, 2004

Dwight’s Challenge

Dwight challenged me unintentionally of course to write more about my personal struggles. Oddly enough many of my emotional struggles tend to be intellectual in nature. Growing up I was put into a position where I had to ignore my emotions. I grew up idolizing Spock. Always keep the emotions in check. The last year + of getting to know Tolani, and probably for the first time truly opening up to another person, has been a discovery of my emotions.

I realized yesterday that I have attended more funerals in the last six months then in the rest of my life. It has forced me to realize something. Someday I will die. Death doesn't scare me as much as dying does. I see too many get old and loose their minds. They are not themselves before they die. This is what I fear. I do not want to loose my mind. I'm always thinking about something, when I'm not I don't feel right. It frightens me that some day I won't be able to think or process or remember. Often at funerals I cry because while I am blown away by the stories of the departed I mostly am scared of loosing my mind.

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