Friday, April 16, 2004

lonliness

Since Tolani has been gone the last couple days I've been worried and fairly depressed. I've been thinking about why. It goes deeper then just missing her. It goes back to my biggest fear that she would leave me. To be honest, the fear is about the same whether she left me or if she died. It is still my fear of abandonment. I do not like feeling abandoned.

I remember growing up.

When I was 7 my parents divorced
Then I was alone
Abandoned
When I was 12 my dad moved away
Then I was more alone
More abandoned
When I was 13 my mom remarried
Sometimes I didn't feel alone
Sometimes I was not abandoned
When I was 15 my mom kicked him out
I was alone
Totally alone
Utterly abandoned
When I was 16 my mom spent her time at a boyfriend’s house
Alone, so alone
I found some friends they helped
Sometimes I didn't feel alone
When I was 18 I went to college a new life
But still sometimes I felt alone
When I was 19 my dog died
My love was shattered
I was alone without any love any passion
When I was 22
I spent purgatory in Grand Junction
Totally alone
Totally abandoned
When I was 23
I came to a place best described as hell
No one understood me
My questions were not welcome
Slowly things changed
New friends were made
Old friends were rediscovered
When I was 24 I met the Love of my Life
I no longer feel alone
No more abandonment
I know Love exists
I denied this before
Still the fear
Still the fear
Never to be abandoned
This is my hope and prayer

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