Saturday, October 29, 2005


Just got back from a relaxing few days in Laughlin, NV. Its a cheap little town on the AZ NV border. Went to a working gold mine in AZ it was quite interesting. Other then that did very little. I spent today watching football and working on our bathroom. Tomorrow we will enjoy our last day of vacation.

I guess I find myself in a state of wonder. I wonder what T and I are doing. I mean going to have a kid and all. It is frightening.

I wonder about the work I do. Does it really matter? Or am I just in the way? I guess I am wondering and maybe questioning the whole chaplain thing. I mean its good but I don't know. I go back on Monday will I have been missed? Will it have mattered? I guess I need to be needed. If everything can be done well without me then why am I there? I need to know that what I am doing is of value that its meaningful. I guess I'm just asking if there is a point.

I help people find their higher power and council and give suggestions on life and everything else. But I wonder why, what makes my words or lack there of worth anything?

We had diner with some friends yesterday and they asked if we would ever be corps officers. We both said no. We do enjoy social services. My point is that if I wanted to be a pastor (that is really all they do) I would not do it in the Army because institutionally we suck at doing church. We build so much baggage on the church side of things but little on the Social services. In short I do not like more Army churches. But to be honest I don't want to be a pastor at all. A chaplain is a very different role. As a chaplain I respond to others need as the come to me. A pastor has a clearly defined people group and clearly defined expectations by his or her congregation. Furthermore in today's world a pastor is a program initiator and leader. (this is where officership and pastorate are in common) I hate programs. I mean hate. Most are pointless. Programs keep people busy. Very rarely do people grow in love for God and others through programs. We learn the right words and right actions but do we ever grow in love?

On another note over the last few months I've realized that I really don't like church as we know it. That doesn't mean I want to change it it just means that for me church (get up on Sunday sing songs, take offering, listen to someone preach or preach myself) is usually meaningless. The closest I ever experienced to church was senior year at CCU when we would ditch chapel (church without offering) play chess, eat lunch and talk about life, the universe, God, and football. That was church. There was no music and no sermon (except someone on their soapbox) just respect and a common theme-sucks chapels. I guess for me church would look like that. Since I may never find it again I am content to have church over blocs and via free night and weekend phone calls. As for church and preaching--Its not about me anyway, is it?


Funny, that is what I call church too, and I don"t play chess. That was a good year.

By Anonymous Rebecca, at 7:37 AM  

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