Friday, March 10, 2006

To Own a Dragon part 2

Well I just finished this book. The end moves talks about a lot of subjects that are needed and ends with spirituality. I realize now why Don resonates with me so well. I can play the church game well. I've played it my whole life. I don't like it but its what church is anymore and to do ministry I must play the game. Anyway, the end of the book hits a serious deep issue for me. Over the last couple years I have begun to realize something. Like Don I do not know if God cares about me. I mean I know he exists and all but I feel often like Don did hanging out with his friends and their fathers. Like I did learning about cars from my best friends dad. Accepted but only sort of. A "charity" case. Even with my closest friends whose houses I was always welcome in, I was still an outsider. At family gatherings they invited me to I was just there, it beat being alone or with my real family but it was not the same. I guess often I feel like the red headed step child. So I wonder does God really care? I have found this prayer uttered from my lips on many occasions. The answer today is yes and no. I know scripture, I know the comfort that Don closes with I know God loves everyone, I just don't feel he loves me. I guess feels isn't even the right word. Maybe know, or believe, I guess I just doubt. I mean with all the world's crap why should God worry about me? Why should he care? My crap is so small to those on the nickel, why should worry about this white middle class American fool? I know I'm smart, I can do anything I really want to, and yet I am not good enough. Maybe it does relate. Was it my fault my parents fought, I mean fight, I mean yell at each other 20 years after being divorced? They did that 3 years ago at my ordination, I blamed myself!

intellectually, I know its not me, but I tell you t is. I am never good enough I guess. I think they have both moved on from that especially after I got married but deep down something says I was not worth it. I was not worth them each swallowing their pride? Ever? I don't know. So I know its absurd for a preacher, teacher, and leader to say but I know God loves everyone, I'm just not so sure about me.


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