Friday, March 10, 2006

To Own A Dragon

Well its out.

I have read everything Donald Miller has written and I consider him a genius. But this latest book is really Bushing with me.

His book is about his expiriences as a person without a father. So far I am four chapters is I was crying a laughing all at the same time. Is such a Busher.

I guess I might have been luckier then Donald I mean I know my dad, I know my mom, I even talk to both of them but in many respects donalds life was mine. My parents divorced when I was 7, I remember very little of them together other then fighting and yelling. I remember weekends at dads Christmas eve too. But then my dad moved. From 7th grade on my dad was not there. A months during the summer is supposed to make up for it? I remember the times when he didn't come though he said he would. I remember being the only one is scouts without two parents there for me. I remember a mom who worked a lot 60 hours a week at times to provide a good life for us. I remember seeing real families and wondering why mine was so bushed up. I remember being needed, needed as the man, the go between, the middle of of the family. I remember saying bush it all. Developed close friends and eventually left for college What do I need them for anyway? I also remember the people who invested in my life. My step dad (if only for a couple years), Scout leaders, Teachers, Woody, Gene, Bill, Kevin, and others.

I have not called God Father in prayer in, well I don't know if ever, other then a Trinitarian blessing. I mean I recognize the imagery but it means nothing. Maybe not nothing but close to it. It means failure to keep promises, too controlling, excuses, temporary, here today and gone tomorrow. It means good things too, but I think my image of father is part time at best. I have no use for a part time God.

I knew Don was going Bush with me, I knew it from the previews, from the editorials, I just did not know how bad. So I will continue to read and let him Bush with me.

In two months I will be a dad. I kind of know what that means.

In two months I will be a father, I have no idea what that means.

Don has a key relationship that seems like it has helped him see what a father is. I guess I have had those as well, but I am still not there. I don't know the first thing about the whole bushed up word.

I don't know why I write this here probably just because it consumes my every waking and sleeping moments. I am no afraid I will fail as a dad, I am afraid my children will not know what a father is either. For years I have ignored the metaphor, now I have to face it, I have no choice. So, if maybe you have some insight good. Maybe I'm looking for assurance that its mot that bad, or maybe I'm just bushed.

1 Comments:

Bill-the only advice is what I told Dwight when he was worried about being a father. I told him to think of all the things he wished his father did with or to him and do that for Jacob. So that is what I say to you. I know you will make the right choices.

Rebecca

By Blogger Rebecca, at 5:19 AM  

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