Friday, April 28, 2006

I am Schindler's List



What a great movie. I am privileged to be called such a movie. I remember seeing it in the theaters with friends in high school. WOW that was sad and stunning. We left in silence.

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Saturday, April 22, 2006

Masters Work

I am in the process of doing my masters application.
One of the questions is:
"Leading others effectively requires the ability to lead oneself."

I am curious what all the readers think about this question. What does "leading oneself" mean?

1 Comments:

Are you applying for a program at Regis University?

By Blogger Brian, at 6:34 PM  

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Thursday, April 20, 2006

Sitting still

I'm not good at waiting. I mean I can wait in line okay but waiting for life is a different matter. This waiting is exhausting, no end in sight. I sit and wait for I don't know what life will bring. In a moment of passion my wife and I started something that will only bring more waiting. I guess I know that things will change, drastic life altering changes but for now I can only wait.

I guess I feel like the great one wrote:

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone
I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a


My shadows the only one that walks beside me My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Til then I walk alone

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the borderline of the edge
And where I walk alone
Read between the lines of what's
Messed up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs to know I'm still alive
And I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk alone
I walk a

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Til then I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a

I walk this empty street
On the boulevard of broken dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
Til then I walk alone

There are days when we feel all alone. So I embrace the night and walk.

1 Comments:

Would you get mad at me for saying that Green Day's album was incredibly awesome with that being a good song, but not the best on their album. It was good to talk to you last night.

By Blogger Dwight, at 9:17 AM  

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Saturday, April 15, 2006

Easter

So tomorrow I clip on a mic and talk about something I don't want to talk about. Some days the death, the despair, the reality of skid row gets me down. Some days I'd rather talk about death then life. Some days I wonder at the sick twisted mercy of a God who would allow such mental illness. Some days I wonder.

Other days are joyous, where it all makes sense to me. The life the resurrection but those days are distant today. Some days all the theology works and other days it doesn't. Some days the crucifix is awesome others have empty the cross so beautiful. Some days I'm angry at God for coming back to life. Other days I wish he would just end it all.

And yet I read I see and I realize God isn't like me at all. He sees beauty in life, even life on the nickel. He sees beauty where I only see despair. He sees light where I can only see darkness. I think this is why he rose again, to mess with me. You see I can appreciate his death, he died well some would say. But his resurrection? It makes no sense at all. Its why it must be true cause God loves to mess with me. Easter is when all theology fails. All theology fails. We are left with life, left with life.

Some may get it but it makes no sense to me.

1 Comments:

Sometimes we don't get it... our mortality gets in the way...

Other times its better just to get the head down and believe - relying on Him and Him alone.

It makes no sense and yet makes perfect sense.

Sometimes you don't need to get it...

You are doing a fantastic work for Him!

Easter blessings from a friend in Motherwell, Scotland.

He IS risen!

By Blogger headphonaught, at 2:35 PM  

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Friday, April 14, 2006

Good Friday on the Nickel

Good Friday on the nickel was great. It was a first in recent past for Harbor Light we had a good group show up. We focused our time on the cross.

I want to rant a bit about Good Friday. Our CSM (read lead elder) said it was a great service one of the best because who would have thought we actually focused on the cross. I mean I know what he is talking about soo often I have gone to Good Friday services and it is a joyful time, really skipping the whole thing and focusing on Easter like Easter is more important??????

The mystery for me is that great things happen because of death and pain. Since I hate death and pain that thought messes with me.

Here is the other thing all too often Good Friday become a theological treatise on why the cross had to happen. You know that A word (apologetics or something) But, am I the only one who thinks the cross did not have to happen God chose it? I mean if God is God then God could have done anything he wanted. So why death. And for an intellectual the beauty is that the cross makes no sense. So let us sit in silence for behold God is Dead!

I hope I said it clearly,

Christ, the Son of God is dead today.

Please don't try to figure it out just now.

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Saturday, April 08, 2006

Life

Well today we bought a lot of baby stuff. Travel system, clothes, bottles, ect.

I realized 1 thing, I am still scared.

Furthermore, I am not ready to be a dad. I mean seriously, me a dad???????

I guess you gotta know me to understand this but depending on others and allowing others to depend on me is not my strong suit. I'm afraid. Now every decision we make has a lot more factors at play.

I don't know how to phrase it or even why but I am afraid.

I think I am afraid because parenting is not something anyone excels at. You either fail or get a C. I mean who has not screwed up their kids a bit?

My parents both got an F. For different reasons and not because of the divorce. I guess a C has always been bad. In school I either got A&B's or I failed gloriously (usually trying for a D). To get a C was worse then failure, it was mediocre. So if you can not get an A as a parent and a C is all I can expect, am I okay with the knowledge that average is good. I guess its all a bit confusing but I am frightened. So in the words of Major Sidney Freedman (psychiatrist from MASH) "Ladies and gentlemen take my advise, pull down your pants and slide on the ice." I do not know what he meant but it sounds good and in the face of war or baby on the way, (both a sort of crisis) I guess the shrink had a point.

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Sunday, April 02, 2006

O Canada

Well, I returned safely from Toronto. What a great city. I did not snow though, I was mad at that.

The conference was great (a great Army conference-who'd have thunk it?). Many things struck me but I want to focus of guy who seriously triggered me. Bill spoke about trust and leadership. Mainly you have trust people in order to be a leader.

Here is what hit me.

1) I don't often trust people I don't work with.
2) Its easier to trust people that work for me.
3) It takes years for me to trust people.
4) Sometimes I don't trust my wife (meaning I doubt that she love me ect.)--Note those doubts are in my head they do not exist.
5) I don't trust organizations, (I trust some people within the Army just not the Army as an institution)
6) I do not always trust that God wants what is best for me. Actually I usually wonder if God cares, everyone else for that matter.
7) Learning to trust is hard.
8) I have to learn to trust.
9) I am better today then I was 5 years ago.

I guess trust is the same reason I never wanted to emotionally invest in anything. Everyone I have ever loved until recently has left. When you grow up alone, You find out who you can trust, who is safe, The answer was always only those who don't really know me. So in some ways the real me was never known. My wife knows the real me more then anyone, and so I still fear sometimes that she will leave too. I am usually this open on this blog but I think I need to be. Maybe Its a start of learning to trust. I guess my issue with trust is this "Why would anyone care about me?"

Well I did not mean for this to get so deep. Its just my way of processing what I sat there thinking on Tuesday. So here is to all the lonely people out there maybe we can trust someday.

2 Comments:

Bill man, so sorry we couldn't get together. I am glad you enjoyed Toronto though and that the conference was good. Maybe one day I'll make to Cali and we can get together then.

By Blogger Ian, at 6:33 PM  

Trust,

About a month ago we did an exercise on trust in Survivors of Abuse where everyone listed reasons (good/bad/otherwise) about why they trusted people. The list was interesting to say the least.

Ranging from a person having character and being trustworthy to the type of clothes someone wears to "I don't trust anyone."

We then asked them to make a list of people (in their head) that they trusted (we did not define the word, but everybody took trust to mean deepest darkest parts of ourselves) and we then asked them if they had one to two people, two to four, over four, or less than one person. It was a hard excercise because pretty much everyone there was in the two or less category, which is to me expected in that setting, but I think that that might be the typical answer in America today.

We then talked about how trust is a huge category (in its broadest terms), they trusted us to keep them safe in the group, they trusted the bank to hold their money, they trust the people that make their food, they trust the people that make the furniture makers. But general trust was not what was taken away from most of them, it was intimate trust which is also important.

I think that my wife knows who I am better than I do at times and she still loves me and I trust her when she tells me that.

By Blogger Dwight, at 7:49 AM  

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